Alone

I'm out to Rome alone, me, a back pack, music. And hope. I don't even have money.
I need this, need this time alone, to think about things I shouldn't be thinking. With no temptation, so that I can hopefuly kick this poison from my veins and move on.

I'm out.
See you, when I see you.

Insanity

"because you were never realy real, to begin with, I just made you up to hurt myself."


Wirl. Intertwine. Intersecting. Meshed.
Feelings... why?
I let go, but that chain still scars my ankle.
Slowly realising, how hard it is to find true love, just to lose it. Not that I was loved. But finaly that I gave all my love to someone. To lose that...
It's a beautiful day outside, I see that she has moved on. I did no wrong, why can't I move on? Find somewhere to have fun. I'm happy all day, till time comes to sit here. Still think about her all the time, every minute, but I drown it, bury it. SO DEEP, it feels like the very core of my sould is rotten!
It's a cancer, draining the life out of me, for so long, so long. Too long.
She felt like velvet, blond white skin, "like velvet".
Blur, my eyes don't cry but all i see is blur, it's been so hard to keep focus lately. Feels like a constant fading away from reality, drifting into a higher place, where sense is senseless, reason is unreasonable. And words are mute.
Today was good, now it's foggy. I have friends, but where are my brothers? Where are they hugging me? where are the tears silenced in laughter? where are they yelling "together we're invincible"? The weird sounds, the bizarre lights, my hometown, the familiar strangers. Those faces that you never seen before, yet, you can't forget. They remind you of that particular time in your life where, nothing happend.
Reading back it sounds stupid. But thou shall not erase thy posts.
So fuckitall.

Ciao

Cold day grey.

Today.
Day, the light is out, the sun is not, it's grey. I wake up with a call "let's go out?", let's.
Shower, hygiene, and vanity. Out!
Damn it's cold, and the wind cuts me like a knife. I swim my way down to the Luas, and wait for my friends face peaking out of a door, to know which one to catch. The wind keeps on comming strong, and I start to wonder if a thicker jacket wouldn't show a bit more inteligence from my part, heh, the heck with it. Here he is, I get on.
Morning talk, and plans are made. We get on, me and mister Magalhaes, staring at beautiful women. :D
Out to teh bank, says Batman to Robin. Here and there, we get out hassel lives and afairs done. So down we go to beweleys! Great capuccino in hand, walking down Grafton, through temple bar and merchants way. Reccord stores, we buy stuff.
Shopping shopping shopping.
Checking, and I buy a back pack, for my trip to ROMA!
Somer weird geeky guy gives us a litle puny statuet kinda thing and invites us into a store to paint it, we ran screaming like we were being chaced by Jack in The Shinning.


Lunch, Pizza Hut, not fancy, but fun. Talk is good, pizza to.
On again and we buy a football, Luas home, and off we go to play a bit one on one. Exercising again feels great! Though the realization that I suck at football is kinda frustrating. HAHAHA, anway, alst minute shopping, plans for the night and on I come home.
Alone! Music Blasting in teh shower.
"it's the little things that kill!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Tonight i'll be out, single man in dublin... things are bound to happen, just need to be opened to them, and bring on a condom, or two...or a few.
Cocky? maybe, so what?
I'm taking care of me, no one else will do it for me.
And the sexual anxiety is torture!
I needs to get laid man... But can I do it? can I do as my ex did, and just get it on with strangers? I will sure as heel give it a try, tonight. I'm out.

One in ten

I'm not going to let it go to waste, life is not going to keep me down! I keep on moving, and the stronger the stream, the harder I fucking paddle. It's slow, it's cold, it soaks my bones in grief, pounds my will to the ground. It won't kill, it will make me stronger. "Done, done and i'm on to the next one!"
Love isn't easy to forget, but it's a hell of alot easier to forget than all the pain she brought! But enough about her!
I'M BACK BABY, I'm smilling! I'm joking, not as much as I used to, but I'll get there. And I can't stop quoting "It's times like these you learn to live again".
It's kinda like I was away in greenland, in the cold, dark, no sun. And I just got back home, and saw the sun set, in my home town, my friends are comming up the road, laughing, catching me in the eye, hear their screams, I throw my wrists in the air, and I think. It's good to be home. That feeling, I'm having now. I feel the time going by, and that things are getting better, I'm strong enough to say no, weak enough to say yes, and never leave a kind person with a maybe. I'm am my best, renewed. I am the best I ever was, and improved. "Your trust, you must confess..."
"Are you gone and on to someone new?" I'm not, hope she is... I wish her safe from harm, she was my big life lesson so far.
I'm going to ROME! La bella italia!
I'm excited, alone, out in Rome, no idea where I'm staying, and I don't care. I'm me again, acting, not thinking. I'll survive it, and enjoy it!
I miss me... But I'm comming back, erasing the last 4 years of bad relationships. Cause this year. I have to have a new story to tell, good or drama. (hope no more drama) I want something new.
I used to worrie, "then I thought. Feck it, I'm in Ireland"
I realised I use "I", alot, cause I'm a fucking bastard, I'm Selfish, I'm great, I have a big ego. I'm amazing. me me me me MEEEE.
Time for me, after 22 years, it's deserved! It's due a long time.
Want to be my own role model, my own Hero. "My hero"

Going to have fun dammit!!! Even if it costs lives!

The end.

And so it comes, she came to me today, telling me she was great. Not asking, still she found it wise to say, she did drugs again. Colapse! But wait!! there's more...
She did a guy too, charming. I'm paranoid, I admit, but she did it. She lived up to her expectations...
After punching in my bones in the wall, I walk off, determined, enter work... All shaking, like I just had a stroke, completly broken, she destoyed me. I'm a shallow empty man. I have nothing... worst day of my life, she wanted to make me feel the worst I ever felt. Kudos, she did it. But later on, I feel great! I feel free... Finaly, I know, she proved me, she never loved me, and I'm a fucking fool. This well is deep, and I hit bottom, but I'll climb up, cause up there, there's someone up there. Somewhere, I'll find peace. My eyes are heavy, all white nights I spent worrying of what might happen, happened. So I can sleep in peace tonight, cause I did my best, and my love is rare, and i don't want to lose it. There's one thing that conforts me, looking back, I'll see this as a learning experience, she'll see this as another fuck up she did, but this time, she'll miss it, cause she won't find love anywere. She's not loavable, she's fuckable, and I loved that snake, and she'll miss that. Not only did she lose love, she lost something real special, a great love. She once told me, I was the love of her life. She treated me like I was dirt, when she realises she was right, and I was the love of her life, I'll be long gone.
Goodbye my love, it's been awful...

Late night

"Sucker love is heaven sent.
You pucker up, our passions spent.
My hearts a tart, your bodys rent.
My bodys broken, yours is spent"

How can it be, that I can't stop thinking about her for one minute, not drunk, not asleep, she haunts my dreams.
I blast music into my head, and the sound is her voice laughing at me. I write down my thoughts, and they're all about her. I feel weak, lost, in a haze.
What did I do wrong? She made me doubt my principles. But enough, I am not wrong.
I'll never give in. This is MY life, it made me who I am. If she loved me, she would change, cause who she loves, is a man made of such principles. And if she want's me to lose them for her, it's not love, maybe lust,but even that is doubtful.
I'm getting tired of running, and i can't hide anymore. Not the love i had for her, HAD, nao that I don't have it anymore, but I can't afford to.
Pain is all i get, and she laughs at it, she can go so long, without a call, when she's not alone. But she forgets who was there for her, when no one would. Who held her head, when no one wanted a fuck up.
Guess I didn't do enough to her to earn some respect and loyalty, and some compromises. I gave my life away for her, she gave her life away, period. Just because. I deserve better. Correction. I deserve less. Less bullshit. Less lies, and decievement. Less "forgive me".
Me me me me me, selfish, cause if not, she'll take it all, and there's not much left.
I need it, for someone worthy, someone that truns in her sleep to say I love you, not cause she's awake, but cause her heart is. Someone that holds me, and not cause it's cold, but cause I might go away in her sleep. Someone that I look forward to go to, to have with me, to be my best friend. My muse, my love, my friend.
To bring the out the best in each other. Not the worst. I had enough. 2 years, and back to where we started. All the best, I wish her safe from harm.

Another weekend

"Yesterday, Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away"

Saturday night, can't stop thinking about her, what she's doing, who she's with.
Do I realy want to hear from her? lies, or bad news, there is no third option.
I go out, try not to think about her, my friend meets me here, and off we go. Can't stop talking about her, about us.
Temple bar, to meet the others, and off we go, by now i'm having a few laughs with a devilish street preformer. And off we go to Aka, again. Fine enough, good friends, beautifull women, oughta take my mind off of her...
We go in, I start the drinking, wiskey, for starters, i'm not proud, but it helps not to think. And so goes the night, drink, talk, dance! And drink some more.
At some point i'm talking to Pedro, a bit tipsy and I don't even notice these two girls that came up to me and started to undo the buttons on my blazer...
Off goes the blazer, off goes the Ireland jacket, and the tshirt was on the way, when i finaly said woa! But on they go on their knees, my belt is gone and the pants undone, and now I have these two snakes crawling up and down me like i'm a strip pole, and rubbing themselves on me, no reaction though. All I can think about is her, so I tell them my wife was not thinking it was funny, and they scram!
Stupid me, she's probably out somewhere drunk with some guy...
What does idiot do? he shoots 2 straight wiskeys, and orders another one with ice.
And the night just glides away...
I go home, alone. And i try to sleep. Getting up every 2 hours. Dreamed of her doing drugs, dreamed of her with other men, dreamed of her in past mistakes, dreamed of me dying...twice. Not an easy night. Still... I got trough it, and today i'm depressed, she has power over me, and she won't let go. I have to break free, i deserver better than a maybe!

I'm living 50 years ahead of my era, and i feel very lost...
Love, it's love that keeps me awake, worried and paranoid. But it's her actions that hurt the most. Her words that pain the most.
I need out. And i'm running out of options.



"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose,
Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now now.
And feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,
You know feeling good was good enough for me"

Night

Being alone, it's harder in a big bed. But is it better to be with her, in a pool of my discarded principals?
I'm lost again. Shite.

Scrub

Scrub my stains away... still, i feel a bit, atached.
Heaven, i wish i had someone to share it with, good food, nice house, nice job, great friends. Still the past is foggy and secretive.
i'll never tell.....

I feel love...

I wish I would, this past week has been hard. Longing, missing, the good, and i have to keep strong, to remember the bad. Cause it's what i get, poison...
Can´t go back to that. Specialy cause i never....felt love.
STILL, i can dig the bass.